Shutting Down

I thought I was doing pretty well with everything that has been happening, but last week when we finally got to bring my sister home I lost it. My family and I said that we all wanted to have my sister home to stay instead having her spend however many days she has left in the hospital. So, my parents arranged for hospice to come into our house so that they could take care of my sister when our family wasn't able to. When we went to pick her up I was excited to see her smiling face. To the outside world you may not have been able to tell just how excited she truly was, but when she saw us coming through her hospital room doors to come and finally take her home for good her whole face lit and some color came into her pale sunken in cheeks.

She was already in the wheel chair and ready to go when we arrived so my dad grabbed the few things that she had and I took a hold of her wheel chair and we left the hospital. The whole ride home I was overjoyed with the fact that my little sister was coming home to stay, but it wasn't until we got into our home and into her room that I saw her room looked just like the hospital room she had just left. The only things that seemed to be different were that her walls were painted her two favorite colors green and purple instead of the off white color. My sister never missing a beat said I am so glad to be home, it didn't even seem to faze her that she would really never be alone she would always have a nurse or someone by her side constantly. She was just so over joyed to be out of the hospital hopefully once and for all.

I know that seeing her this happy should have made me feel so happy, I should have been excited, but I wasn't. All I could think about was how my little sister was being taken from me, and that one day very soon I won't get see her smile or hear laugh, I won't get to hear her voice and talk to her. All I could think about was how much I am going to miss her. I didn't want her to see me cry because I knew that it would make her feel sad, and I don't want her to spend how ever long she has left being sad. She is always telling my family and I to not stop our everyday lives just for her but it's so hard not too do that. When I go out with friends, my classes, or even to work all I can seem to think about is did I tell her I love her, and will she be alive when I get back home.

I this past week I didn't leave my house at all I was just to overwhelmed by all of the grief hitting me all at once it seemed like. My little sister was feeling it too, because on Thursday she told my step mom, Nikki, and I to get out of the house and go see a movie. We agreed for my little sisters sake just to make her happy none of us really wanting to leave. We decided to eat dinner there at the mall and as we were sitting in the eating area a group of 14 and 15 year old sat down next to us, and I over heard one of them say that they wished that they never had any siblings, that they hated them. You have no idea how much that statement ripped my heart out. That person has no idea how it feels to be on the brink of losing a sibling. At that moment I broke down in tears. Sometimes when I'm in a crowded place I just want to yell," My sister is eleven years old and she is dying." Her and Nikki's birthday is in a few weeks and I pray every night that she makes it to see twelve years old.